what i don't want to say, i'll believe

my feet are cold. so are my hands. the click of my keyboard against my fingertips makes me feel productive. i was thinking about colors today. and how the colors we see aren't the ones that we absorb, but rather the ones we reflect. as if there needed to be something to wrap ourselves in, to hide from, to seek comfort in. thoughts make so much more sense in my head than they do in words. words. what are words. they intiate thoughts. thoughts initiate actions. actions initiate habits, and habits destinies. what God gifted us with, He didn't with other creatures. that makes me feel thankful. but then it makes me wonder how much simpler our lives would've been without words. be born, eat, grow, die. would we be happier that way? sometimes i wish the world was actually black and white. would we then know what colors are? would we know what the word 'color' meant, would we even have a word 'color' in existence? i guess i'll never find out. so i write and write and write, in hopes of being able to let out the feelings that keep taunting me. and then those thoughts start to fade away before i can get them down on paper. and all i can ever think of is how i'll ever get that feeling back. how how how. is there a reason for me to? perhaps. i'm scared that the greatest feelings in the world can't be experienced more than once. i'm scared of losing what i've always taken for granted. i'm scared of knowing what God has in plan for me. i'm scared to have something in my life that i'll become too dependent on. i'm scared of lots of things that i don't know about or don't show. i feel sad right now. or maybe it's another kind of sad, one that won't necessarily make me cry. sweet illumination. shine on me. i think i'll be grateful for the gift of today for now. goodnight, sky.