no more waiting for the right chance

may i borrow your time? lend me a page of your memories, save a spot for me. it's okay if it's dusty, it'll do. somethings i'd really rather replay, over&over again until the battery runs out or it's been glued into my head. the secret words you tell me through the smiles you send. an overdose of infatuation. our hearts are drunk with things that our eyes will never see. getting my thoughts tangled up, everything's all right. because today, i live. it's this moment i'm breathing, this moment i'm existing. "if anybody wants a sheep, that is a proof that he exists." i get it. jars of clay; letting God shape it. have it your way. at one point we're all breakable, but even the most fragile has a heart. easily repaired, maybe not. scarred and bruised, perhaps. but made happy again, always. so in the end, i'll still be that whim of contemplation.

one more chance to prove these lies

i'm a new face.

there's way too many times a day when i wish i could just throw on my sweats and head off into a direction most people like to call nowhere. i'm accepted for who i am and what i do, but sometimes it's not enough to be classified as normal, as average. there is too wide of a spectrum of the word 'special.' special, mentally unable. special, extraordinarily brilliant. if i had the chance to be either, which would i choose? perhaps i'd feel better being simple-minded, ridiculously carefree, and understandably happy. with the time to watch this trail of thought leave its mark in my mind, i look. i look at what i am, and i look at what i was. amazing can describe lots of things. not i. i hide from what i don't want to see. i avoid everything i'd rather leave behind. i try to hate, so much, something i've lost. but the bitter feeling, it won't walk away on its own. so today, i try to be a little less oblivious. this weekend, it's just an excuse for me to be lazy; so i'll change it. because i have the chance to, i just don't use it. how many times God hands me my undeserved opportunities to set things right, and how many times i refuse to accept them. so i'll forgive. i'll love, i'll keep my promises. i'll tell the truth, i'll laugh, cry, smile when i feel it appropriate. no more replays. just restarts.

if i could be

if i could replay this song, over and over again.
could've, should've, would've. the three phrases of regret. i have no train of thought today. just random bits and pieces of what i could be thinking, should be thinking, would be thinking. it is too easy to blame someone else for the things we do, but how can we help it. it's a funny thing how the flowers bloom in spring and trees lose their leaves in the fall. numerous 'dear god's throughout my day. all the support i have, all the love i'm surrounded by; what do they matter if i can't learn to appreciate them. realizing something is gone..finding it again. figuring out something entirely new. i ask You to forgive me. my memories, so much more solid than an album full of photgraphs. the clock on the wall tells me nothing. it rushes and holds back time. i never know anymore.

so if i forget, what'll help me remember?

i never got to tell you

here i am, sitting in this chair. my old pink glasses resting on my nose, my oversized shirt eating me up. my sweatpants comfortably warming my legs. my room is a mess. i could probably use a shower. my hair isn't the prettiest thing in the world, and i'm a sight to see. but God is here. i can feel it. but i feel stationary in a world of change. i feel locked onto a spot forever. everything around me, i can see coming and going. i was trying to be selfless, but now i'm starting to lose myself too. the two people i wanted to keep close to me all my life; they're stepping away. i wake up and i feel alone, everything's dark, sun has set. if i had a car, i would run out right now, just for a drive. turn up the music, get lost in the wind, scream out the things that i've been keeping in my heart forever. cry all i want, laugh, eat, let the feeling sink in, then throw it back out. fight it. i want to go on a roadtrip and get lost forever. i dont even know what to write anymore. i feel lame. (: being able to make fun of myself sort of makes me feel better.

let's talk eccentric

how many times have you not just seen, but looked at a picture?


surprisingly enough, for me, the reply would be zero. how much i've missed out on, i'll never know. how much i've only strayed along, i'll never know. because most of the time, i never know how to catch up because i don't want to in the first place. everything initiates something else, but for me, i lack initiation. to walk down a street and not see cars, but art; what privilege is that? to learn what others will never get to even think about in their lives. to draw something that is only of imagination to many. to think about beauty that no one has ever seen. everyday, there is always something that strikes us as different and unique. only then, do we stop to look on with curiosity, but even still, only for a few wonderful moments. what others throw away, we find to be exquisitely pristine, and vice versa. it is so simple to crouch to observe an insect carrying away a leaf with its life decomposing away into the air, but no one ever stops to, because it's so minimal in size compared to everything else. too many times a day do i notice something that i know i should dwell on, but never have the intiation to do so. they have museums and galleries full and full of objects that's considered art, when in fact, everything around us is art. the entire world is a museum. every tree i see, every color, every car. they all belong in a gallery. but we're all too oblivious. and we care not to believe that the the objects that surround everything else only need a little interpretation. and when the morning breaks into the sky, we wake up thinking something so entirely unimportant. we've been given so much to think about, but we don't realize it. no matter how many times someone asserts the fact that the knowledge thats there to be learned will never be claimed as our own, there will always be that one person who's satisfied with what he or she already has. but there is no such thing as greed for knowledge. there is plenty; no one should be deprvied of it. no one should think that there is too little to know. what a disappointment our generation has become.

late into the night, come morning

it's too late, and i'm too tired. but my room is clean for the first time in three weeks, and my sister's going back to college tomorrow. i've laid aside a pile of stuff that i should be doing that i'd rather not; they all seem so irrelevant and trivial now. it feels like my sister's leaving for college all over again. i remember being upset over how little i showed her that i loved her. and even now, i haven't learned my lesson. i have a problem with communication. i cannot speak for myself, and i cannot directly face my conflicts and problems. these feelings, i hate. they give me a kind of anxiety and nervousness i can't quite describe, and it just feels like there are a bunch of frantic, scaredoutoftheirwits butterflies in my stomach. i just want to listen to calm music and fall asleep to it, that's all. no crying over the same mistake made twice. no being weak.

or at least that's what i try to do.

confusion i never met

my words. i can feel them escaping from the grasp of my hands. they don't matter much anymore. what the society wants is actions, not just the will to do those actions. i guess i only have half of the whole thing.

i use the words 'i dont know' too much these days.

in short, what i am - for now

hi, my name is suyeon. it's spelled with a u and not two o's. i'm too easily distracted, and i'm a major tree hugger. when i say my name rhymes with duck, learn to read behind those words. i love the kind of songs that leave just enough for me to interpret them my own way. i'm careful about my actions because i realize they affect the people around me. i'd like to be influential. i know not how to be impulsive, but to be too careful; one day, i'll change. a bad morning makes a bad day. the list of things to do before i die grows every second. i'm only waiting for that one person who'll stay after a movie and watch the end credits with me. i'll trust everyone unless they gave me a reason not to. if anything, i'll always be right about spelling. i'm a coward at heart, and i don't understand enough about myself to tell you what i'd do in a particular situation. it's not the soothing comfort i yearn for, but the embrace that holds meaning. i lie to myself sometimes to keep away from illusions. i get jealous way too easily, and i'll scorn you for copying the personality of others. inspiration isn't the same thing. conceit will never be pride, nor the other way around. sometimes i try too hard to stand out, but it never works. so i've come to accept it. i criticize every aspect of myself. the reflections i see in the mirror aren't of my own. i'd like to start everything over from scrap. i'm just looking for that one miracle that'll tell me who i am. words will never be enough to explain who i am and why i'm here. i live to be me, no one else.

that's all.

watching the glowstick lose its brightness

watching the glow stick lose its brightness

it's hard to feel original, but dealing with the fact that you can't be any more unique that you already are is even harder. i find myself constantly hiding behind my words, but even so, they're only written. for some reason i can't bring myself to think of the right things to say, the right thoughts to think when i'm talking to someone in person. my weapon&defense will always be the words that i write down on my paper, hand, or anything i see. it's almost as if i'd rather be a coward. i prefer to seek comfort in my writing, though they offer no more protection than a fly. i'm scared that people won't understand how i feel. i'm scared that i'll always be the one that feels this way. i'm scared that i'm the only one thinking, wondering, writing about these things. sometimes i just feel utterly alone, even surrounded by the people that know me the best. these days i'm getting closer to the people i didn't think i could've and getting farther away from the people that i'd hang onto with my life. i miss the people that i barely acknowledge the presence of. i'm forgetting the memories of the people i once loved and held dear to my heart. this feeling, i don't know how to heal it. i don't know how to deal with it. i feel like a broken clock.

saying goodbye to my memories

hello, 2008.

maybe today is the day to make my new years resolution list.. and keep it up, so by the end of the year, i know what i've accomplished and what i've failed to acknowledge, once again.

so here it is.

1. renew&strengthen my relationship with God; includes reading the
entire Bible within the year.
2. stay healthy; no more, no less. no weight requirements to be met-
learn to be happy with the way i look.
3. in school: try to the point where even if i fail, i'm still proud of myself
for having done my best.
4. learn to love someone i never thought possible to love.
5. try something new; don't be afraid to go beyond my limits.
6. read at least five books from the list of pulitzer prizes.
7. accept the fact that perfection comes from looking at the
imperfections perfectly.
8. be a little loud&crazy once in a while. act on an impulse, and make
decisions with no regrets.
9. inspire someone.
10. don't let laziness hinder me from accomplishing any of the above.