where i have been

what i wouldn't do to bring back my love for God. what i would do to keep it there, what i would and wouldn't sacrifice to have Him near me. if anything, anyone, if ever, makes me cry or laugh, it's Him; so how do i forget Him so easily? why do i disappoint myself over and over again, why do i keep refusing to admit the truth? why is my Bible stashed in the corner. what good is my faith in being a Christian if i don't recognize the God that i follow? somebody remind me. please. of what love i don't deserve, yet what i'm still given.

finishing my life story, word by word

teach me how to color around a picture of myself.

as selfless i'd like to be, the things that i can do are limited by the things that i'd rather not do. so many times people tell me of how giving, in itself is a gift. only if i could recognize that feeling as being such, and appreciate it without letting myself mistake it for compassion. and even as i try to decide which choices to let befall the finishing of my story, i want to grow a heart. be a witness to something i can't quite understand. draw a world of remembrance, make a list of what i see myself as. i want to learn, without purpose and without a second thought, how to throw away my pride and ask for help. heal those who hate, and stifle jealousy in its most contagious form. contain the image of what promises are. and even as i think about these things, i wonder if it's not just a tune that changes on a whimsical basis. perhaps not. it's been a while since i've seen sunny rain. isn't it about time that we all experience a miracle only describable by the words of God?

"Come near God and He will come near you"

"Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth." 1 John 3:18
there are people who do not cry even in sadness, because they lack enough tears to mourn. there are people who sits and watches something horrible happen in front of them and not do anything about it, becuse they are no longer able. we cry because of a single cut. we cry because our grades aren't good enough, or a scene in a movie really touches us. what about the people who know nothing more than sadness and misery? who crave for the things we'd rather trash?

how has this child of darfur come to such a state. how is it that while we are sinking in obesity, this one child doesn't have enough to cover his ribs? how is it that we're so selfish that we don't care for anyone else other than ourselves? the feeling of pain is too unbalanced in this world. while people are being burnt alive, raped, hacked into pieces, here we are, agonizing over the fact we can't afford a new car. pastor dan said, even if it's painful, show compassion. not out of pride, not out of thoughtlessness, but compassion. but because this storm of genocide is so far away from us, and we cannot feel or hear the thunders, we refuse to act upon it. we don't see it, we can't believe it; whatever happened to believing is seeing? while it's torturous for one to watch this happen right in front of their eyes and not be able to do anything about it, it's even more torturous to spread the word about the genocide but have no response from everyone else. darfur is just one little part of one little country sudan. why is it that the united states, a billion times bigger than it, cannot rid the villagers of pain? they have so much faith in us. they see hope in only us. and yet, we sit here, knowing, realizing, but not doing anything. it's not enough to donate money, send food, supplies, and resources. we're only taking care of the symptoms of the problem. we have to get to the cause of the whole dilemma; the sudanese government. even if we send enough food for 5 million people, it won't stop the janjaweed from wiping out people by the hundreds. why do we fail to see the right thing to do. why.
for the first time in my life today, i've heard someone say, "i want to learn." i was volunteering at the usual good spoon organization, when i asked a student - one of many who are all hispanic-americans - if he wanted a break. he replied, "no, i want to learn. i'm here to learn." aged well over 30, this man had taken 2 hours off his friday to come and learn whatever he could do, because he couldn't afford to pay for such education. it broke my heart to hear these words. here i am, wishing daily, that there was no such thing as education, and that i wasn't expected to do so well, pressured to succeed. and here was a man who was more deserving of this education than i. here was a man who knew and wanted, to overcome the barrier of language in order to win in his already old life. i want to know what i feels like to want what i already have; i want everything taken away from me, and have to work for all of it back. i want to feel this toil that so many other people feel. i want to give up all my wants to God, and try to walk in someone else's shoes. "there should be no poor," the pastor had said. "there isn't supposed to be poor people." so today, i throw away my thoughts of want completely.

nothing false about hope

It was a creed written into the founding documents that declared the destiny of a nation.

Yes we can.

It was whispered by slaves and abolitionists as they blazed a trail toward freedom.

Yes we can.

It was sung by immigrants as they struck out from distant shores and pioneers who pushed westward against an unforgiving wilderness.

Yes we can.

It was the call of workers who organized; women who reached for the ballots; a President who chose the moon as our new frontier; and a King who took us to the mountaintop and pointed the way to the Promised Land.

Yes we can to justice and equality.

Yes we can to opportunity and prosperity.

Yes we can heal this nation.

Yes we can repair this world.

Yes we can.

We know the battle ahead will be long, but always remember that no matter what obstacles stand in our way, nothing can stand in the way of the power of millions of voices calling for change.

We have been told we cannot do this by a chorus of cynics...they will only grow louder and more dissonant ........... We've been asked to pause for a reality check. We've been warned against offering the people of this nation false hope.

But in the unlikely story that is America, there has never been anything false about hope.

Now the hopes of the little girl who goes to a crumbling school in Dillon are the same as the dreams of the boy who learns on the streets of LA; we will remember that there is something happening in America; that we are not as divided as our politics suggests; that we are one people; we are one nation; and together, we will begin the next great chapter in the American story with three words that will ring from coast to coast; from sea to shining sea --

Yes. We. Can.

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in the end, we all want change. we're used to change, we change things to feel change. but almost never it's not the need for it we seek, but rather, a reason to believe in change. i'm not at all caught up in the political scene of the united states, but this video says something to me. in everybody's ideal utopia, there's always a flaw, and along with it, change. what we don't realize, is that it's inevitable. nothing will ever stay the same. it's not meant to.

to be able to marvel at what words can do. to be able to understand. to be able to feel. to be able to speak, dream, love. to be able to. we're able to. but can we? however many times my fourth grade taught me that there's a difference between a 'may' and a 'can'. it's difficult to differentiate between a 'can' and an 'able to.' we're able to do as we'd like. but are we really? all these rules and restrictions - are we really able to? of course we can. but we won't. because we aren't able to. or perhaps, i myself am confusing what is allowed, and what we're able to do. this is complicating my thoughts. dear sadness, it's those moments i want back. just those few thoughtless moments, when what i said was able to inspire. i can't write a good enough speech to bring tears to the eyes of a crowd of a billion, but what i miss is when it was so painless and easy to just not care whether i could or couldn't; when it was more about whether or not i would or wouldn't. i'll always remember. i'm just at a loss as to how to bring it back.