dear god, i found you so

dear God,

i don't think i can quite recapture the beauty i've witnessed and the faith i've been able to feel during the retreat. however God, i can tell you that whatever's changed in me, it's a good change. i feel like i've become more beautiful - on the inside. yesterday night, during the love feast, i cried not of sadness, but of joy; joy of finding You at last, joy of seeing just how much You have the ability to change everyone's lives. so dear God, please thank those like pastor david, the praise band, and pastor esther for being such an important connection to You. just being in an environment with people who wish to continue their walk with you for three days has completely altered my life. i can honestly and truthfully say that the retreat was the most amazing experience i've had in my entire fifteen years of living. i know not what You bring me from now on, but i'm not scared at all. because i know You have a plan for me, because i know You'll guide me to all the right directions, give me all the strength i need, and provide me with all the love in the world. Your mercy that was shown through each individual's actions over the last couple days has shown me just what and how it feels like to be a true Christian, and God, i don't think i could've ever been able to go through all of this if it wasn't for You. the way people connected, renewed their love for each other, sought Your help.. all of it. i cried after the realization of how much Your presence exists in these people, and i cry now, because it still awes me strikingly. i now know that what i've thought of You before this experience is incomparable to how i think of You now. for the first time, i shed tears for those i didn't know. for the first time, i prayed for those i barely knew. for the first time, i was entirely selfless. for the first time, i prayed with my heart. for the first time, i sang for You at the top of my lungs until my voice gave away. it was more than just love i could see hear and touch; i could sense You there, with me, with everyone in that room. even still, i can't fully describe those moments. dear God, thank You. thank You. and thank You again, for loving the undeserving and forgiving me for the times i've disappointed You. thank You, God, for making me realize what mercy is and how happiness really feels. Thank You.

I once was lost, but now I'm found

I once was lost, but now I'm found
So far away, but I'm home now
I once was lost, but now I'm found
And now my lifesong sings

I once was blind, but now I see
I once was blind, but now I see
I don't know how, but when He touched me
I once was blind, but now I see

And now my lifesong sings
And now my lifesong sings
And now my lifesong sings

I once was dead, but now I live
I once was dead, but now I live
Now my life to You I give
Now my life to You I give
Now my life to You I give

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Let my lifesong sing to You

another day to laze out in the rain

to be waking up at 2:00 pm, today's the day after christmas. nothing feels better than finding a new song to be obsessed with, and forgetting about the old ones..then finding them again, and realizing how many memories they hold. i like hearing the raindrops make their way onto the window sill outside. i like getting lost, becoming nervous, and being relieved at the sight of something familiar. i like breathing in foreign scents, and losing myself in the indulgences of sweets. lalala. today i feel different. it's a good day to be different. because i said, the idea of it sounds exciting.. so let's get excited about it.

hi, i dare you to fall in love with me.

it's okay if the world is a little different today

"Well you see, these eyes can't see very good.

So I try to see with my heart. Now tell me, Opal.

So I can see with my heart."

-gloria dump, because of winn-dixie.

so once again i hear the familiar plops of rain. it's december, yet snow refuses to make its appearance. christmas. in two days. for some strange reason, it seems to have robbed thanksgiving of its meaningfulness. when christmas comes to mind, i want to be able to thank all that i have, all that i've ever gone through, all i've ever seen. and so on this lazy sunday when i rewatched a movie that i barely remember, i was touched. because of winn-dixie. because of winn-dixie, a town that once forgot how to share joy, came together. because of winn-dixie, opal saw her dad more as a father being than a preacher. because of winn-dixie, the town of naomi learned to give each other happiness that only its people could feel. it was one of those movies where it just leaves a deep dent in my heart, as a pillow takes the form of whoever's been leaning against it. these days i seem to be at a loss of words. some part of me feel like something's missing. something that should be there has gone. almost like a gap in your teeth after you pull out a front tooth. but i can't quite explain what; it's all too difficult. i started writing in my diary again, just to try and bring back the parts of me that used to be, and link them together with who i am now. a bit hard, but it's alright. all is as it should be; God makes it so. but writing these very words, i want to remind myself that i'm not doing this because i want to impress anyone, but because i need to get these thoughts out of my head. sometimes there is no better way to describe the sensations that you feel. they're something that you can't expect for anyone else to understand, because only you can feel it. only you can touch it, on you can smell it. only you can taste it.

Head under water
And you tell me
To breathe easy for awhile
The breathing gets harder
Even I know that
Made room for me
It's too soon to see
If I'm happy in your hands
I'm unusually hard to hold on to

Blank stares at blank pages
No easy way to say this
You mean well but you make this hard on me

I'm not gonna write you a love song
Cause you ask for it
Cause you need one
You see, I'm not gonna write you a long song
Cause you tell me it's make or breakin' this
If you're on your way
I'm not gonna write you to stay
If all you have is leavin'
I'm gonna need a better reason
To write you a love song
Today
Today..

I learnt the hard way
That they all say
Things you wanna hear
My heavy heart sinks deep down under
You and Your twisted words
Your help just hurts
You are not what I thought you were
Hello to high and dry

Convinced me to please you
Made me think that I need this too
I'm trying to let you hear me as I am

I'm not gonna write you a love song
Cause you asked for it
Cause you need one
You see, I'm not gonna write you a love song
Cause you tell me it's make or breakin' this
If you're on your way
I'm not gonna write you to stay
If all you have is leavin'
I'm gonna need a better reason
To write you a love song today

Promise me
You'll leave the light on
To help me see
The daylight my guide, gone
Cause I believe
There's a way
You can love me
Because I say

I won't write you a love song
Cause you ask for it
Cause you need one
You see, I'm not gonna write you a love song
Cause you tell me it's make or breakin' this
Is that why you wanted a love song?
Cause you asked for it
Cause you need one
You see I'm not gonna write you a love song
Cause you tell me it's make or breakin this
If you're on your way
I'm not gonna write you to stay
If your heart is nowhere in it
I don't want it for a minute
Babe, I walk the seven seas
When I believe that there's a reason to write you a love song
Today.
Today..

and again these words seem to make me fall in love with the idea of being in love.

worth more than a picture

"live the life you love,

love the life you live."

my friend lara bigotti. she understands what bliss means.

and he told me, "i don't want to be described as mature." and so i don't. but it makes me wonder. just exactly when do i lose my youth? there must be a point in which i no longer enjoy the joy that it has to offer me, but when will i ever know that i have shedded my contact with playgrounds and popsicle sticks? i see people on the streets who seem too tired, too fed up, too sick of having moved on from the age where the only thing that mattered was scraped knees. using the word 'remember' makes me feel ancient, like an old photo. i've seen much, but not enough; i've learned a lot, but not everything. so when i run out of things to think about and dream about, maybe that's when i've lost my sense of youth. but as for right now, i don't want to have to worry. i want to paint my white walls with age, i want to feel my diary weighing heavier each day with words. i don't think it matters much what i should do to conserve this feeling of carefree&non-veiled love, but rather think about how i should spend the rest of it. life? it's just a big term to explain all the things we have left to do and the time that it gives us to do it. so i'll run. create. ask. dream. wish. give. change. optimize. i'll learn to listen rather than hear, see but not look.

time's running out, but there's all the time to take

they say everyday is a new day.. and so it is. but sometimes, it's easier to fall for the most obvious of lies than the truth itself. and that's not something i want to hold on to. i want to bathe in the light of novelty, breathe in the love around me, soak up the knowledge. i'm turned away bluntly again and again, but what am i going to do. my blank pages will remain blank unless i put effort in. right now i feel like grabbing my hairbrush and singing into it. i want to laugh at myself. draw a smiley face and a heart in the fogged up window next to my bed, make a wish. i want to speak what my heart wants to believe, i want to throw away the negativity in my head. i want someone to convince me that my thoughts are worth being put into actions. i want to be able to keep all the promises i make, and not have to bend the rules to be happy. whoever said life was easy? i'll never run out of things i want for myself, nor will i ever run out of things i want to give. giving feels so much better than receiving. does anyone else feel the same way? i'll never know. every kind of sadness, each person feels differently. i think it's too soon for me to try to find out everything there is to know. i'd rather be clueless and oblivious to the world going on around me than bury myself in something i never asked for.

please promise to never break the sky

this is where i'll be; everywhere, nowhere

people aren't able to be replaced. each individual has his or her own story. a secret, a memory, a love never told. today i talked to an almoststranger about almost everything. it felt like there was a mutual understanding of trust. it felt weird, but beautiful. it sometimes amazes me how much there is behind the smile of one person. one life, seven billion people - i want to talk to all of them at least once in my life time. is it even possible? i want to dedicate my life to knowing every story of every life. make myself a dandelion seed in the wind. travel everywhere. see everything. feel everything. one day i will walk down the street and smile at a stranger. i want to take every path possible, jump at every chance, and reach for the moon over and over again, if it means breaking myself in the process. i feel secure. i don't have the answers to anything, but somehow, i know. if only people could feel this same exact feeling as i am right now.

confessions of a confused critic

put down your paper plate
come to the table made
deep blue china
found on the table by the wine
so fine

it brings out flavor
like you bring out color in life

oh, i miss you so
the feel of forever
oh, that taste i know
it hurts to remember
unfortunately high
ironically dissatisfied
i miss you
i miss you

oh, i miss you so
the feel of forever
oh, that taste i know
it hurts to remember

i had a fleeting thought this morning
and i mentioned you today
it breaks my heart just to know you in part
and not to be with you where you are

what would God look like if He took the form of a man?

and once again, one last time, i walk down this road. feeling the world breathe under my shoes, the cold slipping into the warmth of forever. the flakes dissolving away, contemplation illuminating every branch. let's indulge in a little bit of comfort, a little bit of sad, a little bit of loss. watch it erode away the corners of my heart, and all too long, the music accompanies me in my gaze. i could never explain. finally feeling the same confusion i've only had too many times. don't believe in my words, believe in what i'm trying to express. a moment of sweet, an aftertaste of bitter. i want to hear the books speak to me again.

feeling something different

i don't want to feel your absence anymore, just presence.

In the walls of Tokyo
Down in London town's a go-go
With the record selection
And the mirror's reflection
I'm be dancing with myself

Oh, when there's no one else in sight
In a crowded, lonely night
well I waited so long for my love vibration
And I'm dancing with myself

Oh, oh, oh dancing with myself
Oh, oh, oh dancing with myself
When there's nothing to lose
And there's nothing to prove
well I'll dancing with myself
Oh, oh, oh, oh

If I looked all over the world
And there's every type of girl
But their empty eyes seem to pass me by
leave me dancing with myself

So let's sink another drink
'Cause it'll give me time to think
If I had a chance, I'd ask the world to dance
And I'm dancing with myself

Well, if I looked all over the world
And there's every type of girl
But their empty eyes seem to pass me by
And leave me dancing with myself

So let's sink another drink
'Cause it'll give me time to think
If I had a chance, I'd ask world to dance
And I'll be dancing with myself

{As refrain}
Oh, oh, oh dancing with myself
Oh, oh, oh dancing with myself
If I had a chance, I'd ask world to dance
If I had a chance, I'd ask world to dance
If I had a chance, I'd ask world to dance

i want that 'i miss you' to be turned into 'i missed you'. i wish you came back to me with what you've stolen, and put it back where it belongs. my eyelashes get thick with tears whenever i think of what used to be, and what it is now. and i keep watching the ship farther and farther away. it's almost out of my sight. how does it feel to fall off the edge of the world? thoughts of those memories now gone forever, like post its, have lingered around long enough for me to go crazy. but what i can i do. i'm insane, because of you, and for you. i'm tired of believing you're here to catch me. these words mean nothing and everything. i'm confused. your ability to see me even when i'm invisible is fading away now. do you see me. do you see me. do you hear me. am i even here?

falling into the sky

the most beautiful lyrics are the ones that leave just enough for you to interpret the words. today i lied to myself. i didn't realize until i found myself feeling guilty. 19 days till christmas. 'tis the time to be jolly. yesterday's snow brought back too many memories, it sortof just clung onto me.
I could write my name by the age of three
and I don't need anyone to cut my meat for me.
I'm a big girl now, see my big girl shoes.
It'll take more than just a breeze to make me

Fall over, fall over, fall overboard, overboard.
Fall overboard just so you can catch me.

But as strong as I seem to think I am my distressing damsel,
She comes out at night when the moon's filled up and your eyes are
bright, then I think I simply aught to

Fall over, fall over, fall overboard, overboard.
Fall overboard just so you can catch me.
You can catch me.

I watch the ships go sailing by

I play the girl will you play the guy.
And I never thought I'd be the type
to fall, to fall, to fall, to fall to fall.

To fall over, fall over, fall overboard, overboard.
Fall overboard just so you can catch me.
You can catch me, you can catch me, you can catch-

I watch the ships go sailing by I be your girl will you be my guy.
And I never thought I'd be the type to fall, to fall.

To fall, to fall, to fall...

To fall over, fall over, fall overboard, overboard.
Fall overboard just so you can catch me.
You can catch me, you can catch me.

fall [fawl] noun, verb: to drop or descend under the force of gravity, as to a lower place through loss or lack of support.
i wish gravity let go of its grip on me just for the tiniest moment.

listening to the memories

let it sweep across your cheeks

let it show, let it breathe.

hang onto your every blink of the eye,

feel the tips of you fingers

run down the galaxy,

trace the world with your heart.

don't let go, don't let go.

the moonlight rains on you now.

and the beat beat of your thoughts

feels irregular and irrational

slow down, walk a little quicker,

before the stars go to sleep.

don't let go, don't let go.

kissed by air, your nose tingling

in the atmosphere of blue.

and the clouds still come through,

still paint the ceiling overhead.

dance your way to the finickiness of it all.

don't let go, don't let go.

and even today the sun plays with your hair.

feeling what i'm saying

i see pretty. i see beauty, i see real and i see imagine. i suddenly want to go back to the days when the classrooms were surrounded by plastic containers with our names neatly labeled on the front, sharing crayons was all we ever did and we tried to beat each other in finishing our handwriting books. i want to go back to the days when my mom would laminate my books for me and the playgrounds were softened with sand, not mulch. i want to go back to the last day i spent in third grade, in dongahn elementary school, in pyunchong, in seoul. it was a bit warmer than warm, but i remember i had worn a red jacket that one day..

god i'm insanely nostalgic right now.

what i don't want to say, i'll believe

my feet are cold. so are my hands. the click of my keyboard against my fingertips makes me feel productive. i was thinking about colors today. and how the colors we see aren't the ones that we absorb, but rather the ones we reflect. as if there needed to be something to wrap ourselves in, to hide from, to seek comfort in. thoughts make so much more sense in my head than they do in words. words. what are words. they intiate thoughts. thoughts initiate actions. actions initiate habits, and habits destinies. what God gifted us with, He didn't with other creatures. that makes me feel thankful. but then it makes me wonder how much simpler our lives would've been without words. be born, eat, grow, die. would we be happier that way? sometimes i wish the world was actually black and white. would we then know what colors are? would we know what the word 'color' meant, would we even have a word 'color' in existence? i guess i'll never find out. so i write and write and write, in hopes of being able to let out the feelings that keep taunting me. and then those thoughts start to fade away before i can get them down on paper. and all i can ever think of is how i'll ever get that feeling back. how how how. is there a reason for me to? perhaps. i'm scared that the greatest feelings in the world can't be experienced more than once. i'm scared of losing what i've always taken for granted. i'm scared of knowing what God has in plan for me. i'm scared to have something in my life that i'll become too dependent on. i'm scared of lots of things that i don't know about or don't show. i feel sad right now. or maybe it's another kind of sad, one that won't necessarily make me cry. sweet illumination. shine on me. i think i'll be grateful for the gift of today for now. goodnight, sky.