it's okay if the world is a little different today

"Well you see, these eyes can't see very good.

So I try to see with my heart. Now tell me, Opal.

So I can see with my heart."

-gloria dump, because of winn-dixie.

so once again i hear the familiar plops of rain. it's december, yet snow refuses to make its appearance. christmas. in two days. for some strange reason, it seems to have robbed thanksgiving of its meaningfulness. when christmas comes to mind, i want to be able to thank all that i have, all that i've ever gone through, all i've ever seen. and so on this lazy sunday when i rewatched a movie that i barely remember, i was touched. because of winn-dixie. because of winn-dixie, a town that once forgot how to share joy, came together. because of winn-dixie, opal saw her dad more as a father being than a preacher. because of winn-dixie, the town of naomi learned to give each other happiness that only its people could feel. it was one of those movies where it just leaves a deep dent in my heart, as a pillow takes the form of whoever's been leaning against it. these days i seem to be at a loss of words. some part of me feel like something's missing. something that should be there has gone. almost like a gap in your teeth after you pull out a front tooth. but i can't quite explain what; it's all too difficult. i started writing in my diary again, just to try and bring back the parts of me that used to be, and link them together with who i am now. a bit hard, but it's alright. all is as it should be; God makes it so. but writing these very words, i want to remind myself that i'm not doing this because i want to impress anyone, but because i need to get these thoughts out of my head. sometimes there is no better way to describe the sensations that you feel. they're something that you can't expect for anyone else to understand, because only you can feel it. only you can touch it, on you can smell it. only you can taste it.

Head under water
And you tell me
To breathe easy for awhile
The breathing gets harder
Even I know that
Made room for me
It's too soon to see
If I'm happy in your hands
I'm unusually hard to hold on to

Blank stares at blank pages
No easy way to say this
You mean well but you make this hard on me

I'm not gonna write you a love song
Cause you ask for it
Cause you need one
You see, I'm not gonna write you a long song
Cause you tell me it's make or breakin' this
If you're on your way
I'm not gonna write you to stay
If all you have is leavin'
I'm gonna need a better reason
To write you a love song
Today
Today..

I learnt the hard way
That they all say
Things you wanna hear
My heavy heart sinks deep down under
You and Your twisted words
Your help just hurts
You are not what I thought you were
Hello to high and dry

Convinced me to please you
Made me think that I need this too
I'm trying to let you hear me as I am

I'm not gonna write you a love song
Cause you asked for it
Cause you need one
You see, I'm not gonna write you a love song
Cause you tell me it's make or breakin' this
If you're on your way
I'm not gonna write you to stay
If all you have is leavin'
I'm gonna need a better reason
To write you a love song today

Promise me
You'll leave the light on
To help me see
The daylight my guide, gone
Cause I believe
There's a way
You can love me
Because I say

I won't write you a love song
Cause you ask for it
Cause you need one
You see, I'm not gonna write you a love song
Cause you tell me it's make or breakin' this
Is that why you wanted a love song?
Cause you asked for it
Cause you need one
You see I'm not gonna write you a love song
Cause you tell me it's make or breakin this
If you're on your way
I'm not gonna write you to stay
If your heart is nowhere in it
I don't want it for a minute
Babe, I walk the seven seas
When I believe that there's a reason to write you a love song
Today.
Today..

and again these words seem to make me fall in love with the idea of being in love.