"it was so intimate, like we were already lovers"

dear God,

truth is, i don't know what i'm looking for. i ask You everyday for one thing or another, but i just end up forgetting whatever it is i have initially searched for. it disappears, pigment by pigment, until i can't recognize it anymore. so what do i do, when i'm done wishing. this faith, it's so hard to keep. but as i realize that there's nothing more that i could want, it seems to discourage me a little. as if i've lost my chance to prove that i can earn my way in life. a chance to see Your work with my own eyes. maybe we thrive on a sense of greed. like they're two different parts of it. i can't say why i feel this way, or try to tell You about it, either, because i frankly really don't know. all i can think is i'm in the middle of nowhere, with no specific place in mind to travel to. it's too muddled. i walk aimlessly. i'm just waiting for something to start me off again.