to fall off buildings and feel the wind

i want to be.
SMALL!
and big and

too loud to care

and away away.

"it was so intimate, like we were already lovers"

dear God,

truth is, i don't know what i'm looking for. i ask You everyday for one thing or another, but i just end up forgetting whatever it is i have initially searched for. it disappears, pigment by pigment, until i can't recognize it anymore. so what do i do, when i'm done wishing. this faith, it's so hard to keep. but as i realize that there's nothing more that i could want, it seems to discourage me a little. as if i've lost my chance to prove that i can earn my way in life. a chance to see Your work with my own eyes. maybe we thrive on a sense of greed. like they're two different parts of it. i can't say why i feel this way, or try to tell You about it, either, because i frankly really don't know. all i can think is i'm in the middle of nowhere, with no specific place in mind to travel to. it's too muddled. i walk aimlessly. i'm just waiting for something to start me off again.

where i have been

what i wouldn't do to bring back my love for God. what i would do to keep it there, what i would and wouldn't sacrifice to have Him near me. if anything, anyone, if ever, makes me cry or laugh, it's Him; so how do i forget Him so easily? why do i disappoint myself over and over again, why do i keep refusing to admit the truth? why is my Bible stashed in the corner. what good is my faith in being a Christian if i don't recognize the God that i follow? somebody remind me. please. of what love i don't deserve, yet what i'm still given.

finishing my life story, word by word

teach me how to color around a picture of myself.

as selfless i'd like to be, the things that i can do are limited by the things that i'd rather not do. so many times people tell me of how giving, in itself is a gift. only if i could recognize that feeling as being such, and appreciate it without letting myself mistake it for compassion. and even as i try to decide which choices to let befall the finishing of my story, i want to grow a heart. be a witness to something i can't quite understand. draw a world of remembrance, make a list of what i see myself as. i want to learn, without purpose and without a second thought, how to throw away my pride and ask for help. heal those who hate, and stifle jealousy in its most contagious form. contain the image of what promises are. and even as i think about these things, i wonder if it's not just a tune that changes on a whimsical basis. perhaps not. it's been a while since i've seen sunny rain. isn't it about time that we all experience a miracle only describable by the words of God?

"Come near God and He will come near you"

"Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth." 1 John 3:18
there are people who do not cry even in sadness, because they lack enough tears to mourn. there are people who sits and watches something horrible happen in front of them and not do anything about it, becuse they are no longer able. we cry because of a single cut. we cry because our grades aren't good enough, or a scene in a movie really touches us. what about the people who know nothing more than sadness and misery? who crave for the things we'd rather trash?

how has this child of darfur come to such a state. how is it that while we are sinking in obesity, this one child doesn't have enough to cover his ribs? how is it that we're so selfish that we don't care for anyone else other than ourselves? the feeling of pain is too unbalanced in this world. while people are being burnt alive, raped, hacked into pieces, here we are, agonizing over the fact we can't afford a new car. pastor dan said, even if it's painful, show compassion. not out of pride, not out of thoughtlessness, but compassion. but because this storm of genocide is so far away from us, and we cannot feel or hear the thunders, we refuse to act upon it. we don't see it, we can't believe it; whatever happened to believing is seeing? while it's torturous for one to watch this happen right in front of their eyes and not be able to do anything about it, it's even more torturous to spread the word about the genocide but have no response from everyone else. darfur is just one little part of one little country sudan. why is it that the united states, a billion times bigger than it, cannot rid the villagers of pain? they have so much faith in us. they see hope in only us. and yet, we sit here, knowing, realizing, but not doing anything. it's not enough to donate money, send food, supplies, and resources. we're only taking care of the symptoms of the problem. we have to get to the cause of the whole dilemma; the sudanese government. even if we send enough food for 5 million people, it won't stop the janjaweed from wiping out people by the hundreds. why do we fail to see the right thing to do. why.
for the first time in my life today, i've heard someone say, "i want to learn." i was volunteering at the usual good spoon organization, when i asked a student - one of many who are all hispanic-americans - if he wanted a break. he replied, "no, i want to learn. i'm here to learn." aged well over 30, this man had taken 2 hours off his friday to come and learn whatever he could do, because he couldn't afford to pay for such education. it broke my heart to hear these words. here i am, wishing daily, that there was no such thing as education, and that i wasn't expected to do so well, pressured to succeed. and here was a man who was more deserving of this education than i. here was a man who knew and wanted, to overcome the barrier of language in order to win in his already old life. i want to know what i feels like to want what i already have; i want everything taken away from me, and have to work for all of it back. i want to feel this toil that so many other people feel. i want to give up all my wants to God, and try to walk in someone else's shoes. "there should be no poor," the pastor had said. "there isn't supposed to be poor people." so today, i throw away my thoughts of want completely.

nothing false about hope

It was a creed written into the founding documents that declared the destiny of a nation.

Yes we can.

It was whispered by slaves and abolitionists as they blazed a trail toward freedom.

Yes we can.

It was sung by immigrants as they struck out from distant shores and pioneers who pushed westward against an unforgiving wilderness.

Yes we can.

It was the call of workers who organized; women who reached for the ballots; a President who chose the moon as our new frontier; and a King who took us to the mountaintop and pointed the way to the Promised Land.

Yes we can to justice and equality.

Yes we can to opportunity and prosperity.

Yes we can heal this nation.

Yes we can repair this world.

Yes we can.

We know the battle ahead will be long, but always remember that no matter what obstacles stand in our way, nothing can stand in the way of the power of millions of voices calling for change.

We have been told we cannot do this by a chorus of cynics...they will only grow louder and more dissonant ........... We've been asked to pause for a reality check. We've been warned against offering the people of this nation false hope.

But in the unlikely story that is America, there has never been anything false about hope.

Now the hopes of the little girl who goes to a crumbling school in Dillon are the same as the dreams of the boy who learns on the streets of LA; we will remember that there is something happening in America; that we are not as divided as our politics suggests; that we are one people; we are one nation; and together, we will begin the next great chapter in the American story with three words that will ring from coast to coast; from sea to shining sea --

Yes. We. Can.

____________________________________________________________________

in the end, we all want change. we're used to change, we change things to feel change. but almost never it's not the need for it we seek, but rather, a reason to believe in change. i'm not at all caught up in the political scene of the united states, but this video says something to me. in everybody's ideal utopia, there's always a flaw, and along with it, change. what we don't realize, is that it's inevitable. nothing will ever stay the same. it's not meant to.

to be able to marvel at what words can do. to be able to understand. to be able to feel. to be able to speak, dream, love. to be able to. we're able to. but can we? however many times my fourth grade taught me that there's a difference between a 'may' and a 'can'. it's difficult to differentiate between a 'can' and an 'able to.' we're able to do as we'd like. but are we really? all these rules and restrictions - are we really able to? of course we can. but we won't. because we aren't able to. or perhaps, i myself am confusing what is allowed, and what we're able to do. this is complicating my thoughts. dear sadness, it's those moments i want back. just those few thoughtless moments, when what i said was able to inspire. i can't write a good enough speech to bring tears to the eyes of a crowd of a billion, but what i miss is when it was so painless and easy to just not care whether i could or couldn't; when it was more about whether or not i would or wouldn't. i'll always remember. i'm just at a loss as to how to bring it back.

no more waiting for the right chance

may i borrow your time? lend me a page of your memories, save a spot for me. it's okay if it's dusty, it'll do. somethings i'd really rather replay, over&over again until the battery runs out or it's been glued into my head. the secret words you tell me through the smiles you send. an overdose of infatuation. our hearts are drunk with things that our eyes will never see. getting my thoughts tangled up, everything's all right. because today, i live. it's this moment i'm breathing, this moment i'm existing. "if anybody wants a sheep, that is a proof that he exists." i get it. jars of clay; letting God shape it. have it your way. at one point we're all breakable, but even the most fragile has a heart. easily repaired, maybe not. scarred and bruised, perhaps. but made happy again, always. so in the end, i'll still be that whim of contemplation.

one more chance to prove these lies

i'm a new face.

there's way too many times a day when i wish i could just throw on my sweats and head off into a direction most people like to call nowhere. i'm accepted for who i am and what i do, but sometimes it's not enough to be classified as normal, as average. there is too wide of a spectrum of the word 'special.' special, mentally unable. special, extraordinarily brilliant. if i had the chance to be either, which would i choose? perhaps i'd feel better being simple-minded, ridiculously carefree, and understandably happy. with the time to watch this trail of thought leave its mark in my mind, i look. i look at what i am, and i look at what i was. amazing can describe lots of things. not i. i hide from what i don't want to see. i avoid everything i'd rather leave behind. i try to hate, so much, something i've lost. but the bitter feeling, it won't walk away on its own. so today, i try to be a little less oblivious. this weekend, it's just an excuse for me to be lazy; so i'll change it. because i have the chance to, i just don't use it. how many times God hands me my undeserved opportunities to set things right, and how many times i refuse to accept them. so i'll forgive. i'll love, i'll keep my promises. i'll tell the truth, i'll laugh, cry, smile when i feel it appropriate. no more replays. just restarts.

if i could be

if i could replay this song, over and over again.
could've, should've, would've. the three phrases of regret. i have no train of thought today. just random bits and pieces of what i could be thinking, should be thinking, would be thinking. it is too easy to blame someone else for the things we do, but how can we help it. it's a funny thing how the flowers bloom in spring and trees lose their leaves in the fall. numerous 'dear god's throughout my day. all the support i have, all the love i'm surrounded by; what do they matter if i can't learn to appreciate them. realizing something is gone..finding it again. figuring out something entirely new. i ask You to forgive me. my memories, so much more solid than an album full of photgraphs. the clock on the wall tells me nothing. it rushes and holds back time. i never know anymore.

so if i forget, what'll help me remember?

i never got to tell you

here i am, sitting in this chair. my old pink glasses resting on my nose, my oversized shirt eating me up. my sweatpants comfortably warming my legs. my room is a mess. i could probably use a shower. my hair isn't the prettiest thing in the world, and i'm a sight to see. but God is here. i can feel it. but i feel stationary in a world of change. i feel locked onto a spot forever. everything around me, i can see coming and going. i was trying to be selfless, but now i'm starting to lose myself too. the two people i wanted to keep close to me all my life; they're stepping away. i wake up and i feel alone, everything's dark, sun has set. if i had a car, i would run out right now, just for a drive. turn up the music, get lost in the wind, scream out the things that i've been keeping in my heart forever. cry all i want, laugh, eat, let the feeling sink in, then throw it back out. fight it. i want to go on a roadtrip and get lost forever. i dont even know what to write anymore. i feel lame. (: being able to make fun of myself sort of makes me feel better.

let's talk eccentric

how many times have you not just seen, but looked at a picture?


surprisingly enough, for me, the reply would be zero. how much i've missed out on, i'll never know. how much i've only strayed along, i'll never know. because most of the time, i never know how to catch up because i don't want to in the first place. everything initiates something else, but for me, i lack initiation. to walk down a street and not see cars, but art; what privilege is that? to learn what others will never get to even think about in their lives. to draw something that is only of imagination to many. to think about beauty that no one has ever seen. everyday, there is always something that strikes us as different and unique. only then, do we stop to look on with curiosity, but even still, only for a few wonderful moments. what others throw away, we find to be exquisitely pristine, and vice versa. it is so simple to crouch to observe an insect carrying away a leaf with its life decomposing away into the air, but no one ever stops to, because it's so minimal in size compared to everything else. too many times a day do i notice something that i know i should dwell on, but never have the intiation to do so. they have museums and galleries full and full of objects that's considered art, when in fact, everything around us is art. the entire world is a museum. every tree i see, every color, every car. they all belong in a gallery. but we're all too oblivious. and we care not to believe that the the objects that surround everything else only need a little interpretation. and when the morning breaks into the sky, we wake up thinking something so entirely unimportant. we've been given so much to think about, but we don't realize it. no matter how many times someone asserts the fact that the knowledge thats there to be learned will never be claimed as our own, there will always be that one person who's satisfied with what he or she already has. but there is no such thing as greed for knowledge. there is plenty; no one should be deprvied of it. no one should think that there is too little to know. what a disappointment our generation has become.

late into the night, come morning

it's too late, and i'm too tired. but my room is clean for the first time in three weeks, and my sister's going back to college tomorrow. i've laid aside a pile of stuff that i should be doing that i'd rather not; they all seem so irrelevant and trivial now. it feels like my sister's leaving for college all over again. i remember being upset over how little i showed her that i loved her. and even now, i haven't learned my lesson. i have a problem with communication. i cannot speak for myself, and i cannot directly face my conflicts and problems. these feelings, i hate. they give me a kind of anxiety and nervousness i can't quite describe, and it just feels like there are a bunch of frantic, scaredoutoftheirwits butterflies in my stomach. i just want to listen to calm music and fall asleep to it, that's all. no crying over the same mistake made twice. no being weak.

or at least that's what i try to do.

confusion i never met

my words. i can feel them escaping from the grasp of my hands. they don't matter much anymore. what the society wants is actions, not just the will to do those actions. i guess i only have half of the whole thing.

i use the words 'i dont know' too much these days.

in short, what i am - for now

hi, my name is suyeon. it's spelled with a u and not two o's. i'm too easily distracted, and i'm a major tree hugger. when i say my name rhymes with duck, learn to read behind those words. i love the kind of songs that leave just enough for me to interpret them my own way. i'm careful about my actions because i realize they affect the people around me. i'd like to be influential. i know not how to be impulsive, but to be too careful; one day, i'll change. a bad morning makes a bad day. the list of things to do before i die grows every second. i'm only waiting for that one person who'll stay after a movie and watch the end credits with me. i'll trust everyone unless they gave me a reason not to. if anything, i'll always be right about spelling. i'm a coward at heart, and i don't understand enough about myself to tell you what i'd do in a particular situation. it's not the soothing comfort i yearn for, but the embrace that holds meaning. i lie to myself sometimes to keep away from illusions. i get jealous way too easily, and i'll scorn you for copying the personality of others. inspiration isn't the same thing. conceit will never be pride, nor the other way around. sometimes i try too hard to stand out, but it never works. so i've come to accept it. i criticize every aspect of myself. the reflections i see in the mirror aren't of my own. i'd like to start everything over from scrap. i'm just looking for that one miracle that'll tell me who i am. words will never be enough to explain who i am and why i'm here. i live to be me, no one else.

that's all.

watching the glowstick lose its brightness

watching the glow stick lose its brightness

it's hard to feel original, but dealing with the fact that you can't be any more unique that you already are is even harder. i find myself constantly hiding behind my words, but even so, they're only written. for some reason i can't bring myself to think of the right things to say, the right thoughts to think when i'm talking to someone in person. my weapon&defense will always be the words that i write down on my paper, hand, or anything i see. it's almost as if i'd rather be a coward. i prefer to seek comfort in my writing, though they offer no more protection than a fly. i'm scared that people won't understand how i feel. i'm scared that i'll always be the one that feels this way. i'm scared that i'm the only one thinking, wondering, writing about these things. sometimes i just feel utterly alone, even surrounded by the people that know me the best. these days i'm getting closer to the people i didn't think i could've and getting farther away from the people that i'd hang onto with my life. i miss the people that i barely acknowledge the presence of. i'm forgetting the memories of the people i once loved and held dear to my heart. this feeling, i don't know how to heal it. i don't know how to deal with it. i feel like a broken clock.

saying goodbye to my memories

hello, 2008.

maybe today is the day to make my new years resolution list.. and keep it up, so by the end of the year, i know what i've accomplished and what i've failed to acknowledge, once again.

so here it is.

1. renew&strengthen my relationship with God; includes reading the
entire Bible within the year.
2. stay healthy; no more, no less. no weight requirements to be met-
learn to be happy with the way i look.
3. in school: try to the point where even if i fail, i'm still proud of myself
for having done my best.
4. learn to love someone i never thought possible to love.
5. try something new; don't be afraid to go beyond my limits.
6. read at least five books from the list of pulitzer prizes.
7. accept the fact that perfection comes from looking at the
imperfections perfectly.
8. be a little loud&crazy once in a while. act on an impulse, and make
decisions with no regrets.
9. inspire someone.
10. don't let laziness hinder me from accomplishing any of the above.

dear god, i found you so

dear God,

i don't think i can quite recapture the beauty i've witnessed and the faith i've been able to feel during the retreat. however God, i can tell you that whatever's changed in me, it's a good change. i feel like i've become more beautiful - on the inside. yesterday night, during the love feast, i cried not of sadness, but of joy; joy of finding You at last, joy of seeing just how much You have the ability to change everyone's lives. so dear God, please thank those like pastor david, the praise band, and pastor esther for being such an important connection to You. just being in an environment with people who wish to continue their walk with you for three days has completely altered my life. i can honestly and truthfully say that the retreat was the most amazing experience i've had in my entire fifteen years of living. i know not what You bring me from now on, but i'm not scared at all. because i know You have a plan for me, because i know You'll guide me to all the right directions, give me all the strength i need, and provide me with all the love in the world. Your mercy that was shown through each individual's actions over the last couple days has shown me just what and how it feels like to be a true Christian, and God, i don't think i could've ever been able to go through all of this if it wasn't for You. the way people connected, renewed their love for each other, sought Your help.. all of it. i cried after the realization of how much Your presence exists in these people, and i cry now, because it still awes me strikingly. i now know that what i've thought of You before this experience is incomparable to how i think of You now. for the first time, i shed tears for those i didn't know. for the first time, i prayed for those i barely knew. for the first time, i was entirely selfless. for the first time, i prayed with my heart. for the first time, i sang for You at the top of my lungs until my voice gave away. it was more than just love i could see hear and touch; i could sense You there, with me, with everyone in that room. even still, i can't fully describe those moments. dear God, thank You. thank You. and thank You again, for loving the undeserving and forgiving me for the times i've disappointed You. thank You, God, for making me realize what mercy is and how happiness really feels. Thank You.

I once was lost, but now I'm found

I once was lost, but now I'm found
So far away, but I'm home now
I once was lost, but now I'm found
And now my lifesong sings

I once was blind, but now I see
I once was blind, but now I see
I don't know how, but when He touched me
I once was blind, but now I see

And now my lifesong sings
And now my lifesong sings
And now my lifesong sings

I once was dead, but now I live
I once was dead, but now I live
Now my life to You I give
Now my life to You I give
Now my life to You I give

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Let my lifesong sing to You

another day to laze out in the rain

to be waking up at 2:00 pm, today's the day after christmas. nothing feels better than finding a new song to be obsessed with, and forgetting about the old ones..then finding them again, and realizing how many memories they hold. i like hearing the raindrops make their way onto the window sill outside. i like getting lost, becoming nervous, and being relieved at the sight of something familiar. i like breathing in foreign scents, and losing myself in the indulgences of sweets. lalala. today i feel different. it's a good day to be different. because i said, the idea of it sounds exciting.. so let's get excited about it.

hi, i dare you to fall in love with me.

it's okay if the world is a little different today

"Well you see, these eyes can't see very good.

So I try to see with my heart. Now tell me, Opal.

So I can see with my heart."

-gloria dump, because of winn-dixie.

so once again i hear the familiar plops of rain. it's december, yet snow refuses to make its appearance. christmas. in two days. for some strange reason, it seems to have robbed thanksgiving of its meaningfulness. when christmas comes to mind, i want to be able to thank all that i have, all that i've ever gone through, all i've ever seen. and so on this lazy sunday when i rewatched a movie that i barely remember, i was touched. because of winn-dixie. because of winn-dixie, a town that once forgot how to share joy, came together. because of winn-dixie, opal saw her dad more as a father being than a preacher. because of winn-dixie, the town of naomi learned to give each other happiness that only its people could feel. it was one of those movies where it just leaves a deep dent in my heart, as a pillow takes the form of whoever's been leaning against it. these days i seem to be at a loss of words. some part of me feel like something's missing. something that should be there has gone. almost like a gap in your teeth after you pull out a front tooth. but i can't quite explain what; it's all too difficult. i started writing in my diary again, just to try and bring back the parts of me that used to be, and link them together with who i am now. a bit hard, but it's alright. all is as it should be; God makes it so. but writing these very words, i want to remind myself that i'm not doing this because i want to impress anyone, but because i need to get these thoughts out of my head. sometimes there is no better way to describe the sensations that you feel. they're something that you can't expect for anyone else to understand, because only you can feel it. only you can touch it, on you can smell it. only you can taste it.

Head under water
And you tell me
To breathe easy for awhile
The breathing gets harder
Even I know that
Made room for me
It's too soon to see
If I'm happy in your hands
I'm unusually hard to hold on to

Blank stares at blank pages
No easy way to say this
You mean well but you make this hard on me

I'm not gonna write you a love song
Cause you ask for it
Cause you need one
You see, I'm not gonna write you a long song
Cause you tell me it's make or breakin' this
If you're on your way
I'm not gonna write you to stay
If all you have is leavin'
I'm gonna need a better reason
To write you a love song
Today
Today..

I learnt the hard way
That they all say
Things you wanna hear
My heavy heart sinks deep down under
You and Your twisted words
Your help just hurts
You are not what I thought you were
Hello to high and dry

Convinced me to please you
Made me think that I need this too
I'm trying to let you hear me as I am

I'm not gonna write you a love song
Cause you asked for it
Cause you need one
You see, I'm not gonna write you a love song
Cause you tell me it's make or breakin' this
If you're on your way
I'm not gonna write you to stay
If all you have is leavin'
I'm gonna need a better reason
To write you a love song today

Promise me
You'll leave the light on
To help me see
The daylight my guide, gone
Cause I believe
There's a way
You can love me
Because I say

I won't write you a love song
Cause you ask for it
Cause you need one
You see, I'm not gonna write you a love song
Cause you tell me it's make or breakin' this
Is that why you wanted a love song?
Cause you asked for it
Cause you need one
You see I'm not gonna write you a love song
Cause you tell me it's make or breakin this
If you're on your way
I'm not gonna write you to stay
If your heart is nowhere in it
I don't want it for a minute
Babe, I walk the seven seas
When I believe that there's a reason to write you a love song
Today.
Today..

and again these words seem to make me fall in love with the idea of being in love.

worth more than a picture

"live the life you love,

love the life you live."

my friend lara bigotti. she understands what bliss means.

and he told me, "i don't want to be described as mature." and so i don't. but it makes me wonder. just exactly when do i lose my youth? there must be a point in which i no longer enjoy the joy that it has to offer me, but when will i ever know that i have shedded my contact with playgrounds and popsicle sticks? i see people on the streets who seem too tired, too fed up, too sick of having moved on from the age where the only thing that mattered was scraped knees. using the word 'remember' makes me feel ancient, like an old photo. i've seen much, but not enough; i've learned a lot, but not everything. so when i run out of things to think about and dream about, maybe that's when i've lost my sense of youth. but as for right now, i don't want to have to worry. i want to paint my white walls with age, i want to feel my diary weighing heavier each day with words. i don't think it matters much what i should do to conserve this feeling of carefree&non-veiled love, but rather think about how i should spend the rest of it. life? it's just a big term to explain all the things we have left to do and the time that it gives us to do it. so i'll run. create. ask. dream. wish. give. change. optimize. i'll learn to listen rather than hear, see but not look.