late into the night, come morning

it's too late, and i'm too tired. but my room is clean for the first time in three weeks, and my sister's going back to college tomorrow. i've laid aside a pile of stuff that i should be doing that i'd rather not; they all seem so irrelevant and trivial now. it feels like my sister's leaving for college all over again. i remember being upset over how little i showed her that i loved her. and even now, i haven't learned my lesson. i have a problem with communication. i cannot speak for myself, and i cannot directly face my conflicts and problems. these feelings, i hate. they give me a kind of anxiety and nervousness i can't quite describe, and it just feels like there are a bunch of frantic, scaredoutoftheirwits butterflies in my stomach. i just want to listen to calm music and fall asleep to it, that's all. no crying over the same mistake made twice. no being weak.

or at least that's what i try to do.